Testing.. 1,2,3... Testing.. 7AWEL!!
Boredom sinks in again as usual. Ive browsed through countless blogs more times than i can remember. Browsed through google for nothing in particular.Then i stumbled across something. Ill copy paste my personal favourites.
Warning: what you are about to read is sexually explicit, amongst other things. Do not read if you get offended easily, are sensitive to perversion, or have no tolerance for filth.
Proceed at your own risk.-
Geritolation.
The act of eating a bloody cunt for the sole purpose of iron supplementation.
-Mexican Doorbell
Repeatedly ram your Latin princess' head into the bed's headboard while violating her rear entrance. After her head volleys off the headboard every couple times or so, ask her who's knocking at the door. If she answers anything other than "PAPI", in your favorite, dirty, south-of-the-border mexican style accent, keep rhythmically knocking at the door until she answers correctly.
-Taste the Rainbow
Before you fuck your girlfriend, go into the bathroom where you previously stashed a bag of skittles. Proceed to insert as many skittles in your anal cavity as humanly possible. (For best results make sure you have 1 or every color up there.) Return to your girlfriend and beg her to toss your salad. Tell her you were just in the bathroom for 3 hours just to make sure your ass was nice and clean for her purty little mouth. After she undoubtedly agrees and she begins to toss away, squeeze out all the skittles into her mouth and scream "AHHHHHH SKITTLES, Taste the Rainbow!". Eating them afterwards is of course solely dependent on how sick you two really are.
-Buysexual
A condition where your girlfriend only puts out after you buy her something.
-Chewbacca
While your girlfriend is sleeping, climb on the bed and put your nuts right in front of her face. Then, give her a sharp jab in the side. When she suddenly wakes up, your pre-positioned nuts will enter her mouth and produce a muffled scream similar to everyone's favorite wookie. RRRRHHHHHGGGGGGGG!!!!
-Fresh Bread
During that long drive home with your fellow carpoolers from work, eek out an SBD (Silent but Deadly) and say "we must be driving by a bakery....anyone else smell fresh bread"? Since the smell of fresh baked bread is close to Godliness, everyone will snap to attention and fill their lungs with a deep whiff. The first scent that hits them will be intriguing, they'll sniff deeper to try to catch the aroma, then everyone's eyes will water as you try not to piss yourself.
-Snoopys Nightmare
During a spur of the moment masturbation session, you jizz on your sleeping dog cause your dumb ass didn't have anything nearby to spooge into.
-Mexican Oven
When lying in bed with your wife and you feel like you got the runs, calmly get up and tuck in the sheets nice and neat then quickly jump into bed throwing the blankets up over both of your heads and let the shit run rabid all over the sheets. When she's realized what's happening she'll go nuts trying to get out while getting the watery wet stinky shit all over her. Now don't worry about getting it all over you, cause for those five minutes... you're Mexican.
-Ahab
While fucking your girl doggie style, you suddenly pull out for no apparent reason. When she turns around for an explanation, she notices you've jumped off the bed onto a skateboard, holding the mighty dildo-harpoon in hand, cocked and ready to spear her in the ass. You pursue her as she runs out of the house and down the street while yelling, "You're not getting away from me this time, White Whale!".
-Ass Wednesday
On Ash Wednesday, anal-fuck your partner into oblivion. Just before you let loose your goo, pull out, spin her around, and let it loose in her eyes. Then, wipe your shit-covered dick across her forehead in the sign of the cross. The result is an observant beeyotch, blinded by your religious experience. Bless you my child.
-Wonderkiss
The kiss goodnight your mom gives you right after she gave dad a blow job. It’s named a wonderkiss because now after you read this, you'll always wonder if this happened to you at some time in your life...
-Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girls mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
-Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.
-Coyote
This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.
-Dirty River
You give a bitch the most painful anal sex of her life and then ask her to turn around. Just as she turns you surprise her with a low blow, a punch to her lower stomach as hard as you can. Once you land the blow she will shit uncontrollably, shit will flow from her worn out asshole like a dirty fucking river. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.
-Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.
-Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).
-Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
-Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watching her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.
-Shocker
When you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.)
-Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.
-Knee Clapper
When some asshole is eating you out, say another guy's name. When he raises his head in confusion, slam your knees together as fast as you can in a clapping motion, knockin him out cold. A great way to get yours and slip the fuck out of there.
-Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core boodie sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)
-Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.
-Carebear Stare
After you’re done making a girl cry after destroying her virgin vertical smile, this is the teary-eyed look she gives you as you wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear right before you leave.
If you made it through that, and are still in one peace, lemme know which was your favourite. Oh you dirty scumbag you.
Warning: what you are about to read is sexually explicit, amongst other things. Do not read if you get offended easily, are sensitive to perversion, or have no tolerance for filth.
Proceed at your own risk.-
Geritolation.
The act of eating a bloody cunt for the sole purpose of iron supplementation.
-Mexican Doorbell
Repeatedly ram your Latin princess' head into the bed's headboard while violating her rear entrance. After her head volleys off the headboard every couple times or so, ask her who's knocking at the door. If she answers anything other than "PAPI", in your favorite, dirty, south-of-the-border mexican style accent, keep rhythmically knocking at the door until she answers correctly.
-Taste the Rainbow
Before you fuck your girlfriend, go into the bathroom where you previously stashed a bag of skittles. Proceed to insert as many skittles in your anal cavity as humanly possible. (For best results make sure you have 1 or every color up there.) Return to your girlfriend and beg her to toss your salad. Tell her you were just in the bathroom for 3 hours just to make sure your ass was nice and clean for her purty little mouth. After she undoubtedly agrees and she begins to toss away, squeeze out all the skittles into her mouth and scream "AHHHHHH SKITTLES, Taste the Rainbow!". Eating them afterwards is of course solely dependent on how sick you two really are.
-Buysexual
A condition where your girlfriend only puts out after you buy her something.
-Chewbacca
While your girlfriend is sleeping, climb on the bed and put your nuts right in front of her face. Then, give her a sharp jab in the side. When she suddenly wakes up, your pre-positioned nuts will enter her mouth and produce a muffled scream similar to everyone's favorite wookie. RRRRHHHHHGGGGGGGG!!!!
-Fresh Bread
During that long drive home with your fellow carpoolers from work, eek out an SBD (Silent but Deadly) and say "we must be driving by a bakery....anyone else smell fresh bread"? Since the smell of fresh baked bread is close to Godliness, everyone will snap to attention and fill their lungs with a deep whiff. The first scent that hits them will be intriguing, they'll sniff deeper to try to catch the aroma, then everyone's eyes will water as you try not to piss yourself.
-Snoopys Nightmare
During a spur of the moment masturbation session, you jizz on your sleeping dog cause your dumb ass didn't have anything nearby to spooge into.
-Mexican Oven
When lying in bed with your wife and you feel like you got the runs, calmly get up and tuck in the sheets nice and neat then quickly jump into bed throwing the blankets up over both of your heads and let the shit run rabid all over the sheets. When she's realized what's happening she'll go nuts trying to get out while getting the watery wet stinky shit all over her. Now don't worry about getting it all over you, cause for those five minutes... you're Mexican.
-Ahab
While fucking your girl doggie style, you suddenly pull out for no apparent reason. When she turns around for an explanation, she notices you've jumped off the bed onto a skateboard, holding the mighty dildo-harpoon in hand, cocked and ready to spear her in the ass. You pursue her as she runs out of the house and down the street while yelling, "You're not getting away from me this time, White Whale!".
-Ass Wednesday
On Ash Wednesday, anal-fuck your partner into oblivion. Just before you let loose your goo, pull out, spin her around, and let it loose in her eyes. Then, wipe your shit-covered dick across her forehead in the sign of the cross. The result is an observant beeyotch, blinded by your religious experience. Bless you my child.
-Wonderkiss
The kiss goodnight your mom gives you right after she gave dad a blow job. It’s named a wonderkiss because now after you read this, you'll always wonder if this happened to you at some time in your life...
-Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girls mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
-Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.
-Coyote
This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.
-Dirty River
You give a bitch the most painful anal sex of her life and then ask her to turn around. Just as she turns you surprise her with a low blow, a punch to her lower stomach as hard as you can. Once you land the blow she will shit uncontrollably, shit will flow from her worn out asshole like a dirty fucking river. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.
-Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.
-Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).
-Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
-Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watching her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.
-Shocker
When you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.)
-Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.
-Knee Clapper
When some asshole is eating you out, say another guy's name. When he raises his head in confusion, slam your knees together as fast as you can in a clapping motion, knockin him out cold. A great way to get yours and slip the fuck out of there.
-Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core boodie sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)
-Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.
-Carebear Stare
After you’re done making a girl cry after destroying her virgin vertical smile, this is the teary-eyed look she gives you as you wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear right before you leave.
If you made it through that, and are still in one peace, lemme know which was your favourite. Oh you dirty scumbag you.
posted by Extinct Dodo at 8:56 PM
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